Our hobbies, our passions, and what we do for pure relaxation fuel and restore us physically, emotionally, and psychologically in the most efficient way imaginable. Those restorative activities provide care and nurturance for your soul — providing you with the energy you need to get through everything life throws at you. And yet, in our parent time survey, a whopping 84.5% of parents said they spend too little time on hobbies and personal relaxation.
It’s hard to find the time, sure. But the issue of time is, ultimately, solvable. By taking a creative approach, we can learn to nurture ourselves and cultivate our hobbies in short, micro-bursts. If you love to write, for example, you could spend 20 minutes over lunch or in the evening writing haiku’s, or journaling about your day. Or maybe you’re a fitness junkie who is struggling to make it to the gym for an hour three days per week, but; I bet you could find 8-10 minutes every day for high intensity interval training (HIIT) exercise while your kids are napping or doing homework.
Adjusting the mechanics of your approach to fun — in small, consistent doses — is the first step. The other shift we need to make is in our mindset. We need to believe that we deserve time for fun and that it is an essential component of a happy, healthy life. See if any of these three common belief systems interfere with your ability to make more time for fun:
1. If I’m not taking care of someone or being productive, I don’t have value.
Many people are driven by a rewarding work ethic that leads them to feel irresponsible or that they have no value unless they are working or taking care of someone. That belief system is ingrained in our culture and can be hard to transcend for everyone, but particularly for women, who easily fall into caretaker roles.
Letting go of this mindset usually requires taking a leap of faith and experiencing the benefits of spending short bursts of time on your own hobbies, passions, and interests. You’ll realize that not only did the world not fall apart — but you came back stronger and more ready to give of yourself to others. If doing something for yourself is too big a leap, do it for your family — or your job. After all, allowing yourself the chance to be an interesting, well-rounded, and whole human being puts you in the best position to come up with creative solutions and care for others.
2. Taking time for fun is selfish and/or not fair to my family.
Nearly every client I’ve ever coached says: “Oh, Julie, I would feel so guilty asking for time to do my hobby,” or “My husband will laugh me out of the room if I say I want Sunday afternoons for going off on my own to a museum.” I get it — truly, I do. But you have to find a way to make the case, for yourself and for your family, because it’s good for everyone.
Consider making fun part of the values by which your family lives. Trade time for fun with your spouse — E.G. you’ll cover bath time and bedtime on Tuesday nights, if your partner takes Wednesdays. Or, if you can swing it, hire a sitter to come once a week for the sole purpose of entertaining the kids while you take the time to pursue your passion.
3. Work first, play second.
Adulthood seems defined by this ethic. How does it develop? When kids are really small, all they do is play. Then, at some point, adults intervene under the auspices of helping a kid “grow up,” and say, “Okay buddy, you can play, but first you have to do your chores.” Or, “No playing until you finish your homework.” The principle certainly has its merits. But as that message seeps deeper and deeper into your unconscious psyche, it can drive you to be all work and no play which, psychologists agree, makes Jack a very dull boy.
“When there’s major play deprivation in an otherwise competent adult, they’re not much fun to be around,” notes Dr. Stuart Brown, a psychiatrist and founder of the National Institute for Play. If you apply the “work-first-play-second” principle to your life as a parent, you will nearly guarantee that you have zero time for play. Your work is endless: as you check things off your to-do list, more tasks are added all the time. But if you flip the narrative — if you start with play — you’ll have more energy for work. When you have fun, time expands.
If you need a little extra boost, remember this: what’s good for your own mental health is good for your children. It’s beneficial, and important, for your kids to see you pursue fulfillment beyond their existence. It teaches them that it’s healthy and normal to have interests and passions beyond the immediate influence of their family. Kids want to know their parents are devoted to their well-being, but they also want their parents to be fulfilled and happy adults — and they’re willing to sacrifice an hour or two with you, if it means you’ll come back to them happy, healthy, and present.