Relating to your child is probably the most irreplaceable job you have as a parent: you are, more than anyone else on Earth, who your children look to for affirmation and recognition of their self-worth. It is through relating that you give your children their sense of self — that they are valued and valuable in the world. It’s no small task!
Most of us “get” the need to spend time with our kids, but relating to kids at every age and stage isn’t always so easy. It helps to convert relating into tangible, measurable actions that allow you to connect with different aspects of your child’s developing personality and identity. When it comes down to it, relating can be broken down into four categories of activities, all of which provide a platform for connecting, bonding, and infusing your child with the unconditional message that they matter:
Talk: If the eyes are the gateway to the soul, conversation is the gateway to your child’s inner thoughts, insights, and experiences. Every child is navigating the world for the first time; we can’t assume we see what they see, notice what they notice, or conclude what they conclude. The aim of conversation at every age is to help you see the world through your child’s eyes, find out what’s on in your child’s mind, and demonstrate a genuine interest in who they are as individuals.
Read: While conversation connects you to your child’s inner life, reading exposes children to other worlds. The bond that forms between parent and child while sharing stories is so powerful (and so vital for children’s happiness and development) that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends parents read aloud to their children from infancy through young adulthood. According to a survey by Scholastic, 83 percent of kids aged six to seventeen said they still love reading with their parents and cite it as one of the most bonding experiences of their childhood.
Play: Play is so important to child development that it has been recognized by the United Nations Commission on Human Rights as a right of every child. Children learn to interact with the world through play from a very young age. Play is a great way for your child to connect with you, in their world, on their terms. “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play, than in a year of conversation,” said Aristotle.
Sharing Adventures: Almost anything can be an adventure to a child: from going on a treasure hunt in the grocery store to riding a bus for the first time. The key is to be fully present for the adventure by participating in discovery and exploration with your child.
But let's face it, it can be hard to be fully present with our kids. Children operate at a different pace, and some of the things they want to spend time on can be boring as hell to us. At its core, relating requires being fully present, responding, and tuning in to your child in a way that communicates, “Right now, you’re the most important thing to me.” But when our minds are preoccupied by thoughts of work and our own personal needs, it can be difficult to accurately convey this message. So, what can you do?
Stop what you’re doing and give your child your full attention. Tune in to what is going on with your kid at that moment. No multitasking! Look at your child while she’s talking to you. Face-to-face, eye-level communication will help your child feel that you’re talking with her, not at her.
Slow down to the speed of your child. Shift gears when interacting with children to account for their different speed of processing. As Karen Spencer, founder of Whole Child International, puts it, children have magic in them — and understanding the different speed of response enables the deep connections we crave.The younger the child, the more patience is needed.
Show interest and curiosity. Really listen, stay open, and encourage your child to expand on what he’s saying. Explore his views, opinions, feelings, expectations, and plans. Watch your body language and facial expressions; your child can tell if you are annoyed, impatient, or disinterested.
Enter your child’s world. Focus on things that interest them. If it feels like torture to play the same boring game, listen to a repetitious story, or do something that doesn’t interest you, focus on seeing what they see in the activity. Learn to notice — without judgement — what excites or scares them, what challenges and engages them.
Limit the teaching. Avoid the impulse to turn every interaction into a life lesson. The goal is to enjoy and bond with your child, not give advice or help, unless you are asked for it.
Remember: relating is a way of being. It doesn’t matter whether you are cooking, playing, relaxing, hiking, or even dealing with a tantrum — what really matters is that you are there, present, emotionally and comfortably connected. It’s much less about the amount of time you spend interacting with your child and more about the quality of that time. A little focused time goes a long way with kids.