This post is based on an excerpt from Time to Parent — Chapter 6: Arrange
Becky, a divorced mom with two kids (10 & 15), wished she could spend less time organizing household logistics, and more quality time with her family. Unfortunately, she’d become the person taking sole responsibility for maintaining the household: determining what needed to be done, telling people what to do, and nagging them to do their jobs. In other words, Becky had become the family’s default arranger. Naturally, the kids didn’t like the nagging. But Becky, tired from the amount of brain space and time it took to run the household, was unsure of how to approach her family to fix things.
“How much time would you gain if you didn’t have to be the resident supervisor?” I asked. “Two hours a day,” she answered, without skipping a beat. “Along with a boatload of stress I feel everyday as I deliberate how to remind them nicely and minimize conflicts without deciding it’s easier to just do it all myself.”
Running a household is hardly for the faint of heart: it’s a tremendously difficult logistical task that is underestimated in terms of its complexity. Whether you were organized or not before you had kids, arranging logistics for family life is different and more complex than organizing for a single person. It requires an unusual combination of skills — the ability to hold to a strategic vision of the big picture, pay fine attention to detail, and be simultaneously organized and flexible — which rarely exist in one person.
Because it’s easy to underestimate the amount of time it takes, families rarely talk openly about the responsibilities. Often, like Becky, one person becomes the “default” arranger, and absorbs the entire job. Or, individual family members silently gravitate toward certain tasks, based on what they notice or care about, but since no one talks about it, they often don’t feel recognized for the work they put in, only criticized for what they don’t do.
A conversation can help overcome misunderstanding and resentment — and you can have one with your kids at any age or stage. Family life is dynamic, and discussing what is required, and how it will get done, is fair game at every transition point — whether that’s your children growing and developing new skills to pitch it, the birth of a new baby, taking on a new job, or simply entering a new year.
But, how do you actually discuss ARRANGE with your family? I had Becky and her family engage in a practical exercise which I call “Put all the Cards on the Table” (literally!).
Make a notecard for each task and chore involved in running your household: laundry, vacuuming, yard work, grocery shopping, pet management, paying bills, cooking, setting the table, clearing the table, etc. Eve Rodsky recently came out with a book called Fair Play--which focuses solely on this exercise, and even suggests a list of 100 common chores for the cards. (28)
First, categorize the cards by who does what. This immediately creates a visual of how evenly (or unevenly) the labor is divided among the members of your household. You may discover that some things are unclear — done by multiple people — or that some things are not done at all… oops!
Once you see how the labor is currently divided, lay all the cards back out in the middle of the table. Discuss the fact that these are the FAMILY’S tasks, not just one person’s. Go back through the cards and allow everyone to choose tasks that they enjoy and can commit to doing.
Are any tasks leftover, unclaimed? Decide how these tasks should be handled. Do you rotate? Do you hire someone? Is there a better system that takes less time? Can you let it go entirely?
Becky’s teenage son, Aaron, who’d felt very put upon by lawn and pet care, was humbled when he saw that his mom had 24 cards, while he had six, and his little sister had one. The discussion revealed that much of the nagging was the result of misunderstandings around timing. Angelica, the 10 year old, expressed that she was very willing to do more, but needed to be taught. The family re-allocated the tasks, made a plan for teaching Angelica how, and created a chore chart, including expectations on when things had to be completed, (e.g. dishes cleared as soon as dinner’s done, but Saturday’s dusting and vacuuming can happen anytime before five pm).
Engaging every member of the household in arranging tasks, including kids from an early age, is a good thing. It promotes a sense of responsibility and belonging; imparts the value of caring for others in relationships; and teaches critical life skills that translate easily outside the home to school, work and any situation that requires cooperation. Plus, what kids want most is time with you, and one of the greatest motivations for sharing the work of ARRANGE is that it creates space for quality time for the family.