One of my clients, Shirley, was the vice president of a regional bank. Her workdays were poetry in motion — she was focused, able to prioritize, and an excellent delegator. But it was another story when it came to her life at home. She felt like she was coming home to a second job every night. Overburdened with tidying, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other chores from the moment she walked in the door until the moment she went to sleep, her role as family caretaker kept her from enjoying any quality time with her husband or her children. Their family intimacy was suffering and Shirley knew it. She was desperate to unburden her schedule to make space for connection, but couldn’t see how.
I recently wrote about time clutter. You can recognize time clutter as activities that, every time you see them coming up on your calendar or jot them down on your to-do list, you wince, cringe, or let out a heavy sigh. Think: unfinished projects and to-dos, unfulfilled obligations, burdensome commitments, and cumbersome roles. And though we’d love to let these things go, there’s a part of you holding on. Why? Because we form attachments to activities — even activities we don’t like. Before we can let go, we have to understand our attachment.
We ultimately discovered Shirley’s underlying attachment to her excessive family caretaker role by probing one peculiar task — she mopped the kitchen floor every night. When I asked why, Shirley looked at me dazed and said, “Well, that’s what my mother always did.” I then asked, “Did your mom work?” Answer: “No.” The role of family caretaker represented Shirley’s unconscious attachment to being the “perfect 1950s mom,” just like her mother had been — except her mother was a stay-at-home mom.
Shirley had gotten caught up doing all the family chores because it was an unconscious way to say, “I love you.” It just happened to be a very, very time-consuming approach — and one that actually didn’t have the impact she intended. Because she was always so busy and burdened by housework, she never had time to spend talking or relaxing with her family — something her husband and kids craved.
Like Shirley, the key to discovering your attachment to the clutter in your schedule is to trace it back to its roots — remembering when you acquired the commitment and reconnecting to your original intentions. Asking yourself the following questions may help guide you through this process:
When did I first acquire this commitment?
How long has this task felt so burdensome?
Why did I originally take it on?
Have I already fulfilled that intention in other ways since?
If I still have that need, is this the most efficient way to achieve that goal?
Ultimately, burdensome commitments tend to make their way onto our calendars and to-do lists in one of three ways:
Obsolete need. We chose to take on a responsibility or assignment because it was the sensible thing to do at the time. The activity or commitment may have addressed a legitimate need at the time you acquired it, but it has since lost its relevance. If you can identify something as an obsolete need, it becomes a lot easier to simply let it go.
Right impulse, Wrong activity. We may have felt pressured into taking on a responsibility by an employer, client, family member, or friend because we were unable to summon the word “no.” Yet the reality is, we said “yes” because it filled some need of our own. Volunteering to chair the annual company retreat or plan the family reunion may have come from a very noble desire to make a contribution, but if the activity turned out to be more draining than enriching, it may be time to drop or delegate the task, and look for a more productive way to fulfill that need.
Insecurity. Sometimes we take on obligations, commitments, and even roles because of our own insecurities. Being excessively busy or being the go-to-person for everything can make us feel important and valued. This availability may have filled some other aspect of our identity we are now ready to leave behind.
By figuring out what these “things” are doing on your calendar (in other words, how they got there and the purpose they once served), you are in a better position to ultimately get rid of them for good.
We’re all working with the same 24 hours in a day. But subtract time for sleep, personal and household maintenance — such as eating, showering, cooking, cleaning, etc. —, and work, and we’re left with precious few hours remaining. The way we spend our time is the way we live our lives. Don’t let time clutter define yours.