Typically speaking, parents put a lot of pressure on themselves to make time for their children. Yet, the demands on our time have grown exponentially — from organizing home-schooling to absorbing childcare from after-school program, babysitters & daycare. Many parents are feeling guilty that they are home all day with their kids, but unable to give their kids the quality time and attention they hoped. Of course, we still yearn to have meaningful interactions with our kids, but how do we restore the quality of our connections when we are feeling so burnt out?
Understand the value of together-but-apart time. Moments when you are in the same space as your kids, but each involved in your own activities — you are getting a meal on the table, while your kid is nearby playing or doing a project — are healthy. Children of all ages, from babies to teenagers, benefit from doing their own independent activities, yet secure and supported knowing you are nearby and available. Here’s the condition: together but apart time only works if you are actually accessible to your children and available to engage in chat with them from time to time. You should avoid doing any “flow” tasks or work that requires your undivided attention.
Connect during everyday moments. Relating time starts with the everyday caretaking moments that do not require any extra time, says Jeanette Betancourt, senior vice president at Sesame Workshop. Brushing hair, getting dressed, eating meals, and tucking kids into bed at night all provide a wonderful platform to relate to your child. If you view the cutting of your kid’s nails as an opportunity to connect, instead of a chore, it becomes fun. If you view the drive to and from activities as a chance to communicate, rather than a taxi service, it becomes a time to bond. Once parents realize that they are doing these things already, the question becomes “how do I make the most of these moments?”
Know that the first five minutes pack a punch. Annie Pleshette Murphy, parenting expert, family therapist, and former editor in chief of Parents magazine, calls the first few minutes of every reconnection point with your child “the relationship savers.” First thing in the morning, the first few minutes you reconnect with your child after independent play or before dinner, when you get home from running errands, the goal is to light up when you see your child. A warm and nurturing response will set the tone for your time together and actually stretch time — buying you loads of peaceful time where kids feel satisfied, so that the moments you do have together feel full. (According to Annie, that focus on the first five minutes works well for marriages, too.
Relate while you vacuum (not in a vacuum). Every expert I know warns against a parent’s tendency to think of household chores as something you need to rush through to make space for quality time with your kids. Let kids be involved with what you’re doing. Relating over the little things — making dinner, washing the car, folding laundry, sweeping the kitchen floor — is one way to make sure you get in some good connecting time with your kids, even if you have a mile-long to-do list. Don’t shun them, engage them. Those tiny moments of connection over seemingly mundane domestic tasks are often the most memorable for kids anyway. (Again, this works well for marriages, too.)
Schedule dedicated one-on-one time. A little bit of predictable special time every day to connect to your children can become the building blocks of connection over the years. Whether it’s twenty minutes of reading every night before bed or half an hour to shoot hoops after dinner, create a tradition of reliable daily moments your kids can count on to talk and connect with you. Once a week or even once a month, dedicate a longer block of time to spend one-on-one, diving into a project together, going on an adventure, or pursuing one of your child’s interests.
Relating time is a basic daily need that can be integrated into any encounter and interaction with your child. The goal is small doses, frequently and consistently delivered. That foundation will allow for the inevitable imperfect moments to be understood and forgiven by your children. Remember that, for the most part, your kids don’t really pay attention to what the activity is — as long as it’s with you and it makes them feel good.
For more tips on how to make the most of time with your child, download our FREE age-by-age guides to: